I want to take a minute to write about some of the emotions running through me at the moment.
I have a really strong desire to nest - declutter, clean, paint, make space for the new baby - but also I am so done with living here.
In my heart and head I am already somewhere else! That makes things a bit trickier.
I have some good close friends here who I will miss a lot, but I will not miss the area we live in. I am just absolutely ready to start a fresh somewhere else.
I realised I am feeling quite down about it. I feel like I am waiting for our new life to start. There is so little going on here. Natural Parenting Club and Natural Learning Club are great but that's about all that I can get to. I am very lucky to have my dear friend Shona organising that. The home ed group disbanded and though a new one has formed it covers a larger area so harder for me to get to things - though I see it suits most people better. The butterfly farm trip this week is an hour by car, two by train. But then would I go to things right now anyway? Probably not. I am in complete insular detached mode. Cocooning my family at home and enjoying our garden and reading lots of books. Getting ready to move on, even though that is not yet on the horizon!
I so want to be somewhere else. Yet I am having strong nesting urges. I am 30 weeks now. I want to clear out, clean, prepare. I want a fresh start. These feelings are so intense it is hard to think of much else.
And yet... Life is still going on all around me.
A close friend had a sweet little baby girl that I hope to visit soon.
The garden is in bloom and the butterflies are all around us.
The sun is shining down.
I get generous, beautiful parcels in the post that make me cry.
Bump is growing.
Ezra is talking more in sentences and playing new imaginative games. Suddenly he can scoot super fast!
Phoebe comes out with wonderful questions and ideas, and is shooting up!
I have so much to be grateful for,but as usual for most of us human beings, I struggle to remember that!
I struggle to be thankful and focus on what I have, which really is so much (materially, as a family, we want less!) when my heart is longing to be elsewhere.
So here is my prayer...
Please help me to be patient, with others and with myself, and to remember how blessed I am. I really truly feel blessed and I mustn't lose sight of that.
Please help me to remember the bigger picture and to not get weighed down with daily difficulties.
Please help me to recognise the divine in everyone and every thing, and to keep my heart open, open wide to love and possibilities.
I am grateful and honoured to live my life and I am ready for whatever the future may bring.