write. I am really feeling now we are getting nowhere. I want to
decorate and declutter. I need to regain some sense of order upstairs.
Phoebe and Ezra really need their own room. But we seem too busy and
too tired to get anything done.
I have no breaks from my children. They are with me 24/7 - apart from
the odd occasion Russ is able to take them out without me. I love them
to bits but it's just so intense! For them as well. They are not used
to being with anyone else. So the concept of being left with someone,
even just for half an hour, is alien to them. I guess that's what
comes from living far apart from family (and being a SAHM) though. I
do feel at this point they could do with stretching their wings a bit
but have no idea how to facilitate that.
The children are also sleeping badly again - Ezra has a cough at night
and Phoebe has an eczema flare up. I am thinking of cutting out dairy
to see if that helps. I am getting very little sleep (my eyes sting)
and am bfeeding alot! There is so much more to this but I don't want
to discuss all the details here. Just to say I feel exhausted and run
I am feeling like a failing mummy at the moment, because I don't have
the time or energy to make things for my children, or with them, or to
take them places. I don't drive and most things are at least two buses
away. I actually want to be able to drive but am pretty phobic about
it, and I don't feel I can handle it on top of the other stuff we are
dealing with. I have been cooking with a two ring portable electric
hob and only tiny weeny top oven for nearly a year now! Our lounge is
finally just about done but we are now waiting for our builder to
visit to discuss phase two - kitchen/utility/sun lounge knock through
and new kitchen. He has missed two appointments now, though he did
apologise for the first one as he was in a car crash. We need to chase
him up again now. This is quite a daunting task, planning a new room.
We also need to make a proper room for the children as they'll not be
able to move out if they have nowhere appealing to go. And our hall,
stairs and landing are in need of decorating quite urgently. The veg
patch has been given up on. It's overgrown and weedy.
I feel like the basic things are barely getting done - putting clothes
away, cleaning the loo, changing the bed sheets, and we are in
survival mode, only able to think about the next meal and trying to
make sure we send birthday cards and presents on time. Our library
books are always late!
Every night after the children are asleep I flop exhausted onto the
sofa and try to think about the next thing that needs doing and Russ
spends a couple of hours in the kitchen and garden sorting things out.
I'm not sure what has happened to our life!
Right now I have a sore throat and ear ache and I could just sleep all
afternoon. But I'm making pancakes for lunch and then packing a bag
and getting on the bus to our local community allotment for home ed
group. We'll have fun, most definitely, but it's not what my body is
I get ideas of starting something for me - a course, a project, even
just reading a book - and then a day or so after realise I just can't
do it! There's no time. I have a pile of magazines even that sit
unread. Last night in the evening I went up to settle the children
four times in three hours!
We had dreams of a big family, but I can't even think about it now
until we sort some of these issues out. And that makes me sad. I am
embarassed to admit all this - that I can't run a home and look after
just two children properly! But I feel writing about where I am at,
and feeling some support, is the first step to things getting better.
There is lots I am grateful for of course. My children are wonderful.
A source of boundless joy. And I have a safe warm home. Our parents
have helped us out a lot financially, and have helped decorate our one
(almost) completed room! I have lovely friends.
I feel we need time and space to overcome this hump. It's such a shame
that we missed our holiday at The Mother Camp. Aside from camp in 2010
we have not had a holiday for a few years. We are going to attempt one
at the end of August. Not sure how restful it will be with two high
needs children who sleep badly away from home though. Oh well, they
are sleeping badly anyway! Can you see why I want us to hit the road
We are also not eating very well because when you start the day aching
and you feel cold and tired by mid morning you don't really fancy a
salad for lunch. Phoebe is very particular about food so the same
staples get wearily churned out, and fairly often I have issues
cooking dinner because Ezra has decided he must be carried and I must
take him to see the chickens or neighbours cat right now. Or that milk
is needed now. We don't eat terribly by anyone's standards but we are
not where we need to be for our health and waistlines.
I really want to do more with the children. More projects, more fun,
more trips. We are all a little bored, much as we love our summer days
in the garden and seeing friends. But I don't know where to begin. I
feel right now I'm not doing a good job of nurturing our family,
despite my efforts.
I have to go now, but I would really love to hear how your families do
things. How do you make time for yourself? How do you keep energy
levels up? Any tips for me? Thank you x