Thursday, 23 June 2011

Reconnecting with Myself

As I am writing this it is 2.20pm and everyone in the house is asleep apart from me. Russ worked overnight last night so is napping, Ezra is napping and Phoebe snuck upstairs to join us and now she is asleep too! I think it will be another late night tonight, but i don't mind. I have a plan, and it involves art.
Anyway, I snuck down and thought i would use this time to write another little blog post.

For months now I have been thinking if i can just focus on the house and the children everything will be ok. I have put all my energy into it, and things are still not getting done. Or rather they are but oh so slowly. I have come to realise this has had a huge impact on my mood. I have not felt really happy and nourished for quite a while, as much as I love my family and the improvements that are happening in our home. Both of our sets of parents have helped with decorating and our lounge is now really coming together (Thank you so much!). We still have a long way to go but I now feel I can see what the downstairs space will feel like and I am looking forward to seeing it take shape.

I have come to realise though that by putting all my energy into this and having nothing else to focus on, it is easy to feel frustrated when things aren't going to plan! Like when you can't just choose a bloomin' front door because you are worried you'll make the wrong decision and it'll look odd, so you have had to put up with the handle falling off when guests use it for months. Or like when you are working in a kitchen with a portable hob and cupboards falling off their hinges. I really need to focus on something else! That doesn't mean things will happen slower (impossible! lol). It just means I am no longer going to expand extra energy thinking or worrying about it. I am going to make small baby steps and trust it will come together. And I am going to spend that extra energy nurturing myself.

It can be hard being a mother to find time for yourself. Especially when you are a tandem feeding, cosleeping, stay at home kind of mama with Highly Sensitive Children. I am not saying I have it harder than anyone else - I think the positives of this way of living highly outweigh the negatives. But we do have to sometimes think of creative ways for me to get my needs met. And mothers need their cups filling up too. You can't give to your children if you are feeling all stressed, frazzled and touched out yourself! So some of my solutions in the past have been reading in bed when the children are asleep (either side of me) - this worked when Ezra was little and preferred to stay close to me in our family 'nest', involving Phoebe in something during Ezra's nap time that we can work alongside each other on (need to do more of this), crocheting a few stitches here and there while they are playing in the garden, and having a long lie in every so often on weekends to catch up on sleep. I am blessed with a wonderful husband who truly understands my need for space and creativity... and is awesome with our children too! He is also so good at engaging them in garden stuff. So many happy hours spent out there weeding and mowing and planting while the children help or play alongside him. He is so patient.

So getting back to now. I have been feeling for quite a while that despite me having time to myself I am not feeling nourished. I feel at the end of that time that i haven't achieved much, that i have squandered it and not really done much. Worse still that i have wasted time when i could have been with my family. So today i thought about that. I realised that I need a different way to fill my cup. Reading is fine, journalling is working great, but i need something... what is it? I remembered then that my happiest point personally was last year when i was more involved in Goddess Leonie's Goddess Circle.  When I was doing her Creative Course and I was connecting with other like minded souls on the forum and just generally felt fulled up to the brim with creativity and positivity! So what happened? Well, Ezra was unwell with a bug so i had to drop out of the creative course temporarily, but i never picked it back up. Then it was the busy festive season, then Phoebe's birthday, Ezra cut his lip open twice, and then it just felt like a string of events til it all got forgotten. Well, almost.

I had a message a few weeks ago from a gorgeous goddess who recognised my profile picture on the goddess circle from my blog. She said she had dreamt about me and felt called to bring me back to circle... wow. That first message stopped me in my tracks. We have now been messaging back and forth and I feel she is becoming a real friend, and I truly thank her for taking the time to contact me. I am so grateful. I have yet to reengage with the circle fully. I am easing my way in, wary of jumping in and giving too much of myself. I need to stay present. But what was missing was not goddess circle, that is just a tool - an amazing tool - for staying in touch with myself and my needs, coaching myself if you will and finding something that makes my heart sing. Something that makes me uniquely me. The stuff that is Laura.

Recently I asked my friends on Facebook what I am good at, as I was having a bad day. This is what they came up with:

Being a sister :)
Making things, arts and craft, cooking, blogging/writing, offering advice. Loads of stuff! You are very creative and care for your environment friends and family which is fantastic x

You are a good friend. You are very good at crafting ,cooking, mothering in general :) I always enjoy your blog I think you have a real flair for writing...just wish you wrote more often ;)

It can feel like that sometimes but if you were able to just reel off a flat list of skills you wouldn't be the diamond glimmering with as many beautiful different sides that you are. You share your knowledge, thoughts and ideas with us with no expectation of rewards, you have inspired our families life like a beautiful muse from an ancient tale :) 
and should you need one particular gift you have that very few others do to add to your list, you can always understand what my daughter is telling you without any need for us to translate - so perhaps add bilingual to your list x

Making beautiful hats. Natalie and Lucas call her our little acorn when she is wearing it....It is gorgeous and I'd spent ages looking for something like it. Wish I could knit like that.

You are very understanding, open and determined. You have a ideal about how you want your family life to be and you follow it ceaselessly in the pursuit of happiness. I'm proud of you and admire you, you are my big sister x 

I wad going to write a long reply but everyone has said what I'd say lol. You're fab just as you are! And you're fab at many things :) and you're a brilliant friend!
Oh and you're a fab crochet teacher!!!!!!!!!!!! ;) and a good distraction when I should be marking science papers. And you're someone who are fab at doing what you believe in! 

I agree with what everyone else said. And also I wanted to say you take lovely photos. And you're very creative and imaginative :-)

I didn't see this till just now: all of the above! You stand up for what you believe in, is a thing I can add to the list. Every present you've bought Isabella, she's loved - her fave at the moment is squeaky monkey. So you're good at thinking of others' needs. 

SMILING. You have a beautiful smile Laura that would warm any room, and any heart.

I am sharing this because I need to know where to find this list on a bad day, and because I took all of these things, these wonderful compassionate things (thank you so much friends!), and thought about them. I thought about how I viewed myself, compared to how others viewed me, and what I could do to fill my cup and express my creativity. I highly recommend you asking your friends this question too. Its so therapeutic!

I decided that I wanted to blog more often, to share my words and photos, inspiring things i found on the web and to connect with other women, and I also decided I want to make more things and I would like to open etsy and folksy shops. And i would like to spend more time on goddess circle. That place is just good for my soul. It feels like my spiritual home on the web! I am mindful however of maintaining balance in my life and so will be doing these things slowly and fitting them around my children. but I am excited about sharing more here and expressing myself more through my art, photos and crafty endeavours! This will be great to do alongside the work on our home to keep my spirits up, and to show my children a great example of an adult involved in purposeful occupation. I strive to be a good role model.

I must go for now, everyone is up again. But i do hope to be back very soon. Thanks for reading. x


  1. You are a warm and lovely woman Laura and it shines out from you - a true goddess. xx

  2. We've never met in the true sense but I love you anyway! Glad you're finding the path back to yourself x

  3. Hi Laura,
    Great post, so lovely to read your thoughts.
    It was funny this morning as I had been thinking about you and your lovely family yesterday and then the beautiful hat from you arrived in the post this morning! Thank you so much, we absolutely love it and it is the perfect fit, I will post a blog pic soon :)

    Much Love to You all
    GinA XXX