Friday, 30 April 2010

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Ugh Blogger!

Last night i spent quite a long time writing a blog post. I added links and all sorts... and posted it. This morning i realised it wasn't on my blog and when i found the post in the edit section turns out blogger had eaten half of it! *sigh*
So I'm a bit gutted about that, and it doesn't feel right to write it all out again. So i'm going to think on it before i blog again later. Just thought i'd mention it in case any of you read some of it somehow or cam across a post that seemed to finish rather abruptly!

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Removing the armour

OK, so i'm going to let everything spill out now. I have been journalling on and off for quite a while, writing my morning pages, but finding it hard to find time at the moment. That has taken priority over writing anything here but tonight i feel the need to combine them, to let the inside out, fully out into the world.
I'm feeling quite a lot of inner turmoil at the moment. I have moments of deep happiness and deep sadness, excitement and anxiety. It's all whirling around in there making me feel giddy and sick and confused and joyous. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.

I'm doing a pretty good job of covering this up, letting it sit, trying to be in the present moment. I'm not talking about all thats going on inside of me much, not even to my husband. Well, I try but there's only so many times i can try to explain my feelings and thoughts and end in a muddle before i start to feel a bit silly. Got to work on that self expression thing. I have confided bits and pieces with good friends but if i can't even articulate it in my own head then what chance do i have of explaining it to someone else?

So this blog is going to be the place i try to make sense of it all. Pour it all out and hope that some clarity comes from it, some sense of direction. I really need to release these feelings and i think this is the place to do it most fully. I will try not to be self conscious or worry too much about who is reading this and what they think. I'll write as if its just for me. I need to not feel judged and just be myself, be authentic. For that reason i will try not to edit it either - apart from perhaps for clarity.

I have been seeing a wonderful Homeopath and have begun treatment. It started for a physical health issue but is, of course, going much deeper than that. Talking to her i feel safe to share my innermost feelings and to investigate the reasons for them. This alone has been hugely worthwhile to me, let alone the remedies. They do seem to be really having an effect though, both for me and my daughter (who is also receiving treatment). Speaking about how i have been feeling at my recent appointment we discussed the reasons why and how the remedies seem to be opening me up, removing the blockages, and with that is going to come a lot of 'stuff'. Without going into my life history and past events, my recurrent theme seems to be of creativity and self expression blocked. As soon as we identified this i could think of dozens of examples of this, more than that even, a motif running throughout my life so far.

I initially felt quite down about this, recalling all that could have been, but do feel i have dealt with that now and am ready to move on. The past is not so important as right now. I have so much to be thankful for and so much ahead of me to look forward to. I have an amazing family and am privelidged to have the most beautiful, inspiring mamas as friends. I may still have bad days - after all, i have more remedies to take, more inner work to be done - but i feel i can recognise those feelings for what they are and am committed to moving forwards with this.

So what is the 'this' that i speak of? What am i intending to do? Where am i going with all this? That is what i've been pondering. I think it is this:

I need to live my life the way i feel in my heart.

Authenticity is a word used a lot in the blogging world. Too casually perhaps sometimes. I don't feel i am guilty of being especially un-authentic but rather that i repress a lot or don't perhaps show my true feelings or thoughts out of fear. Fear of being mocked or judged mainly. I never lie, don't get me wrong. I am very truthful, in a sense. But i do sometimes omit things, or keep quiet, or deny myself the time to do x because something else is more important. Their needs are greater than my needs, and my need for say, a shower, is seems greater than my need to write or paint or create. so then i never get to express that part of myself.

I just looked up authenticity on wikipedia:

In philosophy, the conscious self is seen as coming to terms with being in a material world and with encountering external forces, pressures and influences which are very different from, and other than, itself. Authenticity is the degree to which one is true to one's own personality, spirit, or character, despite these pressures.

This is perhaps my life's lesson. So i am spending lots of time right now meditating on this, as i lie in bed with my babes in the evenings. Contemplating what my authentic self looks like, feels like, what she does, how she is to be around. I'm inviting her in. I'm exploring myself in more depth than i've done before and it is feeling good.

I am hoping to share more of myself on here and to connect with likeminded souls, as i have now begun to in real life. A year ago I mainly had my wonderful friend Sam, who I would dearly love to see more of now and was my rock through so much worry and unsettledness, now i have extended that circle and have some great mama friends closer to home (you know who you are ;). But i want to spread further and reach out across the globe. There are so many blogging women i feel connected to, who i would like to thank for sharing their experiences and letting their readers into their world. All of you have been instrumental in starting this whole ball rolling for me.

I have to go for now, my time is up, but I am determined to get back on here and blog again regularly, even if i do nothing else on the net, because this feels important to me. Its part of my development as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister and human being. So expect more, and thank you for reading. x

Weirdness

Blogged those pics from my mobile and they've come out wrong way up and in wrong order! Sorry. Will try another method next time. :)

Ezra

Phoebe in the tent

Looking up

Phoebe chalked another P!

Ezra in awe of Nana's ukelele skills!

She is using his hand to play . He loved it.

Me at 29

Feeling old!

Spider

By Phoebe

At Sarah's house

How did this happen?

A picture from last week.

Our bell tent

Ready for The Mother Camp!

P

Phoebe's first ever letter. Completely independent and unprompted.

Drawing time

Fascinated

P

Phoebe's first ever letter. Completely independent and unprompted.

Nearly all gone

Yum

Food glorious food!

Monday, 26 April 2010

Busy

Lots of thinking going on here and not a lot of sleeping (or picture taking for that matter). Hope to update this week. :)

Now

I want to start by apologising for my absence. Things are a little odd round here and i'm finding it hard to focus on much else. To sum things up, Phoebe has been waking a lot i the night and we are still trying to pinpoint the cause. As a result, we are not getting much sleep and i've been feeling pretty rubbish as a result - headaches, exhaustion etc. Also i feel at the moment that i'm not ready to write. That might sound strange but i'm in such an intense phase of reading and research at the moment that i would rather spend the little free time i have reading. Besides, its easier to sit and read in the evenings with a sleeping baby than it is to type (or knit for that matter, so nothing much happening on the crafty front either). Also things are pretty much up in the air about our house. We've had a development. I can't talk about it yet but whatever happens there are going to be big changes, and we're still processing that and considering our options. Promise to let you in on it soon. I'm finding it hard to think about anything else really.

I'm reading a lot of borrowed books but i also got some for my birthday and some vouchers and money so i think i'll have enough reading matter to last me at least another year. :) I so love books! I've just finished Learning all the Time by John Holt, which was great - as all his writing is! Now reading Instead of Education. These were kindly lent to me by Lorena. I also have Anastasia ready to read which i'm borrowing from Louise, and several books from Sam! Sam i'm so sorry, i will get round to them soon. I'm doing lots of reading now so hope to catch up. Also a couple of homemaking books from K. I will be a Happy Housewife! ;) Well, even happier than i already am! :)

I am sat in amazement really at the moment as Phoebe has taken herself off for a nap, something she has never ever done before! I'm stunned. Gosh i hope this is a sign of things to come for my first born. She is so beautiful and sensitive and smart. She has so much trouble relaxing into sleep at times and its so hard to watch her as she fidgets and scratches at night. I hope whatever is troubling her comes to light so we can help her and move on.

I have been doing some internet reading at times too and have some great articles to share, which i'm hoping to do soon. Mainly unschooling articles, as there has been a great deal of controversy in the US over a very biased and poorly done segment on Good Morning America. It was about the lifestyle of a Radical Unschooling family. I have yet to see the clip but its caused a huge backlash over there. I find myself torn between the ideals of The Mother Magazine and a more RU approach. Actually we're not quite either but sat somewhere in the middle, an eclectic mix. But i find great inspiration from both. One of the things i'm considering at the moment is the use of tv. We don't have a tv (its been off for over a year upstairs in the dumping ground that is our spare room). I don't miss it. Russ watches the odd thing on i player. Phoebe does too. About once every week to two weeks she'll ask and watch a few shows - mainly Charlie and Lola or Wibbly Pig as she loves the books. But I have heard about a show based on permaculture and i really think i'd like to watch it. And also have heard Jamie Oliver has a new series. So now i'm thinking i may start watching the odd bit again. I do think we may end up reinstating a tv at some point. But i'm really still reading about the debate - from the Steiner perspective of no screens at all, to the RU perspective of allowing unrestricted tv/scree time as everything is learning. I am inclined to agree with that and i do hate saying no and placing restrictions on Phoebe unecessarily. But then i am concerned about the effect of tv on her development and all the research thats been done about that. More reading and contemplation needed i think. I am never one for 'moderation', lol, i like to be completely informed before i make a decision.

*sigh* I just can't wait for all this house stuff to be resolved and decided upon. I want to start building my dream home... well, my dream home would be an rv touring the world i think, but my more realistic dream home. The place where i'll raise and nurture my family. I so want to feel settled and not feeling that has been causing anxiety for me for far too long.

I also wanted to mention that we are now seeing a wonderful Homeopath and i feel we're gaining from the sessions, as well as the remedies themselves. Learning so much and working on issues that are coming up for us (Phoebe and me). I'm so glad we're doing it!

Must go as Ezra has grown bored of his toys. Time for a slingride i think! ;) Thank you baby for letting me have a few moments though.

Back soon with some quick linky posts.

Love,

Laura x

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Ezra

Playing with Daddy

After lunch

Happy boy

Smiles

Woohoo

Just a quick post to say "woohoo!" as the Home Ed part of the Children, Schools and Families Bill isn't going through! Yay. At least not right now anyway. It was opposed by both Conservatives and Lib Dems so I'm told. Have yet to see any news coverage of it though so don't know all the details. Good news though, certainly. :)

I've been absent from the Internet world for a while, feeling tired and generally under the weather. Not quite sure what's going on but I hope it's short lived. Saw a lovely homeopath last week and have started treatment and have started on the flower remedies tonight (thanks for the reminder Shona). Tomorrow we are heading in to town to meet up with some friends for a Natural Parenting Club social. Think it will do us some good to get out.

The main news for us is that Ezra crawled this evening! How is he growing so fast! He's a constant fidget and he has this exhausting combination of wanting to be held constantly (which is fine by us as we are APing anyway) but also wanting to grab, hold, suck, devour everything in the vicinity, and preferably to be doing that whilst bouncing on my knee or tummy. So I spend the day contorting myself into odd shapes trying to stop him from lunging head first at the door handle etc. He does enjoy being on the floor too but has been frustrated by not being able to move. So he prefers to use me as a stepping stone!

Must go, I should be asleep, but thank you to all those families who campaigned and stood up for our rights! A toast to you all xx

My life right now

Trying to hold on to a hyperactive 8 month old... and he learnt how to crawl today!

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Quick post

We've been unwell and I'm still feeling a bit under the weather so been having a bloggy break but hope to be back soon! xx